Now that Twitter/X has become a toxic cesspool of spam and racism, my planned moved there is cancelled.
Look for regular posts to resume here shortly, a LOT has happened since the podcast aired.
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Author: mike
Welcome, Biohacked listeners! I’m flattered the story moved you enough to come visit. Isn’t TJ Raphael an incredible journalist?
I’m doing regular updates on Twitter instead of this blog, so would you kindly click the follow button below, please?
Follow @DonorPrivacySome of you came here to tell me what a terrible person I am, and that’s ok—I can take it. No one forced me to become a donor and so I do take some responsibility for the events that occurred as a result, decades later.
Let me say in my defense:
- Anonymous sperm donors are by their very nature unavailable and incommunicado, but I’m willing to be an exception and engage. I’m not necessarily sure you ought to focus your anger at me—after all, I didn’t create the system.
- While I have great admiration for how TJ crafts stories, it wasn’t told how I would have told it. For example, I know the part about hands moved many people. BUT: be rational—that didn’t remotely justify giving out my name against my will. (love ya, Mom!)
- For me, I wish the story had been more about my desire not to have a particular rude person come into my life and manipulate a vulnerable older family member into making plans to meet without me there. (Among many other offenses!)
- I know the DNA detectives are on the case, but nevertheless I strongly oppose laws like the one passed in Australia that hasten the end of anonymity, and I’d like to point a critical detail that wasn’t mentioned: you can be fined $10,000 in Australia if you contact a donor under this new law without his consent.
- Karen is employed as a social worker (MSSW) and should have known better. Respecting confidentiality and self-determination (the right to live your life the way you want to) are two core ethical principles of this profession, applying not just to clients of the social worker but also to the community at large.
- Karen was never interested in getting to know either me or my mother as individual human beings deserving of respect, nor was she interested in whether making contact with us would hurt her parents (it did). It was more akin to a USDA inspector wanting to see if the breeding stock deserved a stamp of approval. After their Christmas 2019 visit, Karen never spoke to Mom again, her curiosity having been satisfied.
- If only I’d had Amber (from episode 1 and 2) instead of Karen! I found her story incredibly moving and I particularly admire the way she didn’t try to force her way into her donor’s life, instead patiently waiting until he was ready for contact. Amber didn’t need an advanced degree in social work in order to know how to behave appropriately, just empathy and common decency.
My email address is my pseudonym, mike, followed by “AT” symbol, and ending with this domain “dontpri.org”. I’d particularly like to hear from:
- Still anonymous sperm donors who would prefer to stay that way. If there’s enough interest, eventually I’d like to create a very strictly screened private forum where our issues can be discussed. It’s ok to want to stay anonymous!
- Journalists interested in going deeper into the story. There is a lot that didn’t make it to air, and a lot more has happened since, almost enough to fill a book.
Thanks for reading!
–Mike
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Golden State
This is a long video, but it’s absolutely fascinating and amazing—how they caught the Golden State Killer, Joseph DeAngelo.
Just to be clear: I’m thrilled he was caught! But it’s crazy that the same technology used to find this evil man was also used to find me, a private, law-abiding citizen.
What’s even wilder is that DeAngelo actually had more privacy rights than me on Ancestry.com and 23andme. The data from those sites can’t be used for crime fighting–he was found through a separate, much smaller site that is similar to the big two, but users have to explicitly opt-in to allow their data to be used for law enforcement. His capture was delayed by a couple of years because he had privacy rights that I didn’t.
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Privacy Nonsense
Came across this review of Biohacked today:
Keeping promises made to people (sperm donors) isn’t nonsense.
Great discussion about sperm donor privacy on The Gist Podcast today. Thanks Mike Pesca for cutting to the heart of the matter.
After I talk to other sperm donors, my opinions might evolve, but my belief is:
- There are reasonably good arguments for donor conceived individuals to get updated health records about their sperm donors. I really don’t have an issue with that.
- Donor conceived individuals have no right whatsoever to any other information about their sperm donors, if the donor doesn’t want to give it out.
The donor conceived individual who tracked me down, in the same way that the Golden State Killer was found using familial DNA matching, informed that, in her belief, I had no right to privacy whatsoever. I found her entitled attitude to be jaw-droppingly counterproductive.
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Biohacked Podcast
My story is being told today on TJ Raphael’s podcast Biohacked: Family Secrets. She’s a great journalist–every single word uttered was fact checked, and every detail of the story came from multiple sources.
I hope you enjoy listening.
That being said, there is a lot more to the story that TJ wasn’t able to get to tell, because she’d have had to talk to Karen. I’ll be sharing more in due course.
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Why is this site needed?
After all, other major websites already cater to the this topic:
Many sperm donors have joined these and other sites and gotten great support. But they cater to the interests of the donor-conceived and sperm donors who don’t mind going public. It’s my belief that the vast majority of sperm donors do not want their identities revealed.
I have genuine empathy for those who finding out by surprise that the father who raised them didn’t contribute DNA. I know many donor conceived individuals feel immense curiosity about their donors. Many donors will happily make contact with you, and that’s great. However:
Many sperm donors do not want contact with their offspring.
This site is for those guys, and people who understand that this point of view is equally valid.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not an absolutist. While some sperm donors may want no contact at all whatsoever, others may agree to limited amounts such as:
- revealing medical information only
- limited amounts of contact
- limited means of contact (email only, phone only)
Not every sperm donor wants to go on TV, filmed at long table with twenty of his offspring. For me personally, the thought gives me nightmares.
Americans believe in privacy. On any poll that relates to the topic, no matter how the question is phrased, large supermajorities of over 70% agree about its importance.
Most sperm donors, particularly those who donated decades ago, were promised lifetime anonymity. The decision they made to donate was based on that promise. Yet modern DNA test kits have allowed the curious genetic offspring of sperm donors to play detective and find out the identities of people they would never have been able to through any legal channels.
I think that most Americans, if they stopped and thought about this issue for a minute, would agree that something isn’t quite right about this.
I have a story that is soon going to be told and I hope it brings people around to a different point of view.